Haywire Hormones

FET #2 Update

My poor husband has had to bare the brunt of my haywire hormones.  I have been on progesterone 4 days now plus the estrace which I have been on for a few weeks.  I know I am being….well let’s face it….a bitch but I can’t stop myself.  Between the hormones and the stress of another cycle I hardly want to be around myself.  My stomach is in knots and I am scared.  I feel like I need to cry but I can’t.  I have moments that I really think this could be it and then other times I feel like it will fail again and that something else is wrong.  We have no reason to believe IVF can’t work for us but because of our track record it feels like it won’t.   It is the unknown that is the hardest part.  At moments I want to give up, I want to throw in the towel, I want to take the easy out and just stop trying.  I know that I won’t give up though.  This need/want to be a mother is just too strong.  Some days I think this emotional pain almost feels physical.  My heart aches.

Saturday I spent the day with my best friend and her 8 month old.  The friend that started trying after us.  The one that will start trying for #2 this next year.  It reiterated that fact of how much I want this.  I sometimes am in awe that we have been trying so long.  Like we are living in some dream world….or maybe in a nightmare.  Don’t get me wrong. I have A LOT to be grateful for.  I have a wonderful husband, a warm home, a loving family, a great dog and friends that truly care about me.  So why do I feel like there is a hole….a missing piece?  Why am I feeling so empty?  OK.  I am sure it’s the meds that aren’t exactly helping this situation but I just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere.  To get it all out.  I needed to write that I am so scared of another failed cycle and I am scared of it never working.

 

On a more positive note….transfer is tomorrow!!! I can’t wait.  I feel like we have been waiting for this day forever.  Our appointment is at 9:30m and I hope I can get a good nights rest tonight. I can’t focus because of the anticipation!  This week should be good.  I am working today and do not have to go back to work till next Monday!  I hope to keep busy or at least my mind busy by movies, books and anything I can do to keep me distracted.   This is it….I am ready.